Depression is a surprising thing, even for those of us who have been dealing with it for years. It often sneaks up on you, and suddenly you find yourself in the middle of a dark grey pit, wondering how you got there, but unable to see any edges to cling on to to hoist yourself out.
Everyone who has depression will tell you it hits them slightly differently, and will have slightly different symptoms and onset rates at different times. I have realised recently that one of my first signs of depression worsening (and I really should pay closer attention to) is my attention span getting shorter, as my interest in everything begins to wane. Unfortunately, as a film fan, this often means that one of the first things I stop doing is watching anything over 30 minutes long. Hence my blog being rather sparse of late. It has been all I can do to sit through 30 minutes of comforting Father Ted episodes, as everything else has seemed too challenging. Absolutely nothing seemed of enough interest to warrant me sitting down for two hours and devoting my attention to it. Except Father Ted, in whose company I can gladly spend 2 hours watching multiple episodes without having to think about anything, or engage with anything beyond familiar background noise (sorry to the Father Ted team, as I love their work it deserves to be more than my comfort blanket).
I have been feeling immensely guilty for not being able to watch anything of late, as I am sure I have missed out on some great work, but also for not updating my blog. I know I don’t have thousands of readers, but I had begun to enjoy the process of writing up my thoughts, and also interacting with other bloggers. Alas, depression made it all seem rather pointless (and hush, naysayers, blogging IS worthwhile), but still the guilt was there. That glorious combination of indifference, feeling worthless and guilty, while not seeing the point in anything summed up my depression.
I have also been very busy at work, which hasn’t helped matters, but when I do have free time I have largely spent it worrying, or trying to play computer games. Again my depression means I manage about 20 minutes before giving up or getting annoyed and quitting whatever it is I’m doing. So I spend a lot of time moving between doing things. Lots of days filled with in-between things. Which seems apt as that is pretty much how I feel currently.
Hopefully normal blogging service will be resumed soon, but do let me know of any films you have enjoyed that might entice me back to watching stuff again.
For more information about depression you can visit the NHS website here.